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IS YOUR CHILD STILL SLEEPING WITH YOU?
How to reclaim your bed in one weekend.

When your child was new born you may have decided to have him sleep in bed with you. For many of us, particularly when breastfeeding or when sleep is especially vital, like when there are older children in the family to consider, and provided all the safety issues have been considered, this option can make sense.

However there comes a time when even the most tolerant parent feels the need for some space and “me time” during the night. If this describes you, well you are certainly not alone. Plenty of older babies, nursery-aged children, and even beyond, out stay their welcome in their parents’ bed.

For many parents this really isn’t a problem, especially if you have one of those vast king size beds. But let’s face it, children can be very selfish bed mates; sleeping horizontally across the pillows, kicking off the covers or sleeping on your face!

If you are reaching the end of your tether, here is a simple action plan which will help you to teach your child how to sleep happily through the night in his or her own bed for good……….Just remember to keep a warm welcome into your bed for morning cuddles!

FRIDAY AFTERNOON

If your child is old enough, explain that tonight he will be sleeping all night in his own bed. Make this as positive as possible. Meet any protests with a humorous but resolute response e.g. "Oh yes you are, you cheeky thing!"

Explain to older brothers and sisters and any close neighbours that there may be some disruption for a couple of nights.

Role play with your child, putting their toys to bed and giving them (the toys) plenty of praise for staying there.

For an older child, make a star chart and buy some special stickers. Explain that each time he stays in bed all night he will get a sticker. Earning a sticker is in itself a reward, but there is an extra incentive in you offering a special treat for saving up, say, 7 stickers earned on consecutive nights. A younger child will be happy simply with a sticker on his pyjamas.

If your child is still taking a day time nap, do not allow him to sleep after 3pm in the afternoon for a 7 or 8 o'clock settling time. If at all possible, have a daytime rest yourself. You will need reserves of energy on this night.

FRIDAY NIGHT

Remember that the key to helping your child sleep lies in how he settles at the beginning of the night. For this reason it is absolutely crucial that your child settles to sleep for the night in his own bed alone and aware that you are not with him. To make this easier, you must him to feel safe. The best way of doing this is to start an ultra consistent bed time routine. Not only will this help him to feel secure, but a familiar series of steps leading up to bed time will in time help him to feel sleepy too.

Try the following:

Develop a bedtime routine that incorporates a clear sequence of sleep cues e.g. bath, milk, clean teeth, familiar story, a well loved goodnight song, phrase or prayer.

Turn off the TV, radio or video and put the telephone answer machine on. Your child will need your full attention right now. Your home doesn't need to be completely silent, but these kinds of sounds are particularly irritating and disruptive to sleep.

During bath time, it is fine to participate in rough and tumble games with your child. This helps to expend any reserves of energy he may have as well as giving you the chance to demonstrate your love for him. Gently remind him from time to time that tonight he will be sleeping in his own bed.

After bath time go directly to your child's bedroom. Keep a soft light on and offer a milk drink if he still has one. After this, read some familiar stories (no more than three.) The final story should be the same one each night until your child is happy to go to bed alone.

Put him into the bed or the cot. Lean over and have a brief goodnight cuddle. Explain again gently and quietly what you are doing and then go. Leave on a very positive note, “I’m going to tell mummy/daddy what a good boy you are in your own bed!”

If he gets out of bed put him back in firmly but kindly. Spend no more than 30 seconds with him. If he seems frightened, stay calm and reassuring but do not reinforce any fears by hanging around.

Do not lock, or even close, the door if it is usually left open. Apart from feeling excluded and punished, your child may be terrified by being so enclosed if he is not used to it. Your aim is to make him feel secure enough to fall asleep without you. If experience has shown you that he will continually chase you to the door, you are better off using a stair gate in the bedroom doorway as a temporary measure, Explain that this is, “To keep you safe.”

Avoid being drawn into lengthy negotiations over positions of teddies and so on. Be loving, calm and resolute. It is very important that your child knows that you are in control at this point. Respond to any requests for cuddles, extra milk etc. with a very calm, “In the morning.” In order for the programme to succeed, it is important that your child recognizes that he cannot act to change the way it is going to be. If it feels like an unfair battle of wills, keep reminding yourself that you will both be infinitely better off in end.

If necessary, sit out on the landing and put him back into bed as many times as it takes. (Hence the need for vast energy reserves). To avoid getting into a tussle with him, you should leave periods of up to 10 minutes if you can before returning him to bed. If your child is in a cot and is standing up and crying, you should return calmly every 5 minutes. There is no need to go back at all when you know that he is lying down and the nature of the cry turns into a “grumble” or “complaint.”

Eventually he will fall asleep and it is vital that you are not in the room when this happens. Once he has fallen asleep alone you are over the worse – so give yourself a pat on the back!

Go to bed early and be mentally prepared to be up a lot in the night. If there are two of you, you might like to split the night into two shifts. Just make sure that you are fully supportive of one another and like minded in your approach.

If your child wakes up and comes into your room after you have gone to bed, force yourself to get up and put him back to bed just as you did earlier in the evening.

Do not relent at any stage - you will only prolong or seriously damage the learning process.

Decide on what time is acceptable for the day to begin. You need to be realistic about this – toddlers and young children are naturally early risers, so don’t expect him to lie in until 9am! Treat any time before the agreed morning time as a night waking, and keep him in his own bed. Before allowing your child to get up for the day, open the curtains or put on the lights. This will give clear signal that night time is over and it is time for the day to begin.

Welcome him into your bed, but do not allow him to fall asleep there. If you do this, you will undermine all the effort you have all invested. Offer him lots of loving and specific praise, “You slept in your own bed!” Be sure to award a sticker.

SATURDAY

During the day, be especially loving towards your child. Tell him what a clever boy he is.

Once again, try to get some rest yourself if you can.

At bed time repeat exactly the same settling process as the night before. Don't be disheartened if you find you are still making several visits to their room. The more opportunities you have for reinforcing the message, the more it will stick. This technique will always work when it is applied consistently.

It usually takes only a couple of nights to solve the majority of sleep problems of older babies and young children provided the parents are committed and motivated.

By the end of this second night, your child will have learned new sleeping habits and all you will need to do is to reinforce his new sleep skills by being consistent, encouraging and continually rewarding.

SUNDAY

You have done it! Your child has gone to his own bed happily and without fuss. Tonight you can stretch out in your own bed and enjoy a really good night’s sleep!

By the time next weekend comes, you will have caught up on your own sleep and you will see that your child is not suffering from sleeping alone and still loves you. Your only task is to put the Champagne on ice and CELEBRATE!

NB: The use of the masculine pronoun is for convenience only. Just as many girls tend to be grafted to the parental bed as boys.