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How to help your child relax and go to sleep.
A guide for school aged children.

For your growing child, the world is a constantly fascinating place, filled with exciting experiences. He is learning new skills daily, and his sense of his own developing abilities is both wonderful and a bit unsettling. Add to this the inevitable playground conflicts and possible worries about school work, and it is not surprising that lots of school aged children find it difficult to get off to sleep at night!

Read on for some practical tips on how to help.........

In preparation for bed time,you and your child should try the following:

Avoid too much exercise or homework very close to bed time. Try to have a “quiet time” together, chatting or reading.
Avoid having an over full tummy. Any pre bed time snacks should be light and easily digested.
Do not allow your child to have cola and other fizzy drinks or snacks like sweets and chocolate which contain stimulating substances.
Keep the bedroom for sleep. Discourage stressful activities such as homework in your child’s room, or he may associate it with wakefulness rather than sleep.
NEVER send your child to his room as a punishment.
Make sure that your child’s bed and mattress are comfortable, and that the room temperature is correct [around 18 degrees centigrade]

Children need to feel SAFE at night. The best way of achieving this is to let them have a very structured routine leading up to bedtime, with as much repetition as possible.

Be sure that you set aside time for this. Try not to take ‘phone calls etc.

Bath - Younger children will benefit from singing the same song in the bath each night together.
Straight to his bedroom. No running in and out of the living room! Children need to feel safely contained at bed time, and to know that there are boundaries.
Same routine in their room each night e.g.. pyjamas on, arranging books/toys etc, getting comfy.
Reading time. If you are still reading to your child, finish off with a very familiar "sleep time" book. Perhaps one that they enjoyed when they were a little younger. This will act as a sleep clue and also increase your child’s feeling of being safe and secure.

Choice of stories is VERY important. Avoid any scary stories and if your child is older check out what they are reading. [Harry Potter has kept my 8 year old with his head under the pillow for weeks!] Lots of younger children’s literature is frightening as well as wonderful......think of some traditional fairy tales! These stories are better for day time reading, unless your child sleeps beautifully each night.
Make sure that your child has all that he needs for the night e.g. teddy/blanket/drink and do not allow yourself to be drawn into lengthy negotiations about position of toys and so on!
Keep the lighting low but the bedroom needn’t be pitch dark. It is ok to keep a landing light or very dim night light on.
It is vital that YOU demonstrate a cheerful and confident attitude to bed time, and are able to be in control about applying the rules and routines.

Sometimes children are unable to go to sleep because of fears and worries. A child may fear that there are scary monsters in the room for instance. Worries very often spring from a child's actual rather than imagined experiences. Another very significant feature of children's sleep is nightmares.

Here are some suggestions for helping your child to cope:

During the day:

If your child has a recurrent nightmare, spend some time working with him to change the ending to a funny one e.g. The dinosaur that is chasing him turns into a plateful of green jelly....and he eats it all up! If your child is old enough, you could encourage him to write the new ending down. This will help him remember it better.

Explain to your child that it is NORMAL for him to have bad dreams. It is a sign that he is growing up and that his imagination is working well!

Make time to talk to your child about his worries. Sometimes there may be practical solutions to them. Even if there are no solutions, he will value your concern for him. If possible it is best to talk early in the day rather than close to bed time. Avoid pressuring him to talk if he doesn't want to, and respect his wishes when he wants the conversation to end!

At bed time

Do not allow yourself to get into a long discussion about your child’s fears or worries. Remember, you have already done this during the day.

If your child can not get off to sleep, suggest a simple mental exercise which will distract him from his fears and remove the focus from the stressful task of trying to sleep. One that I find is always popular is making alphabetical mental lists of animals, countries etc. For younger children it can be made easier by, say listing the girls/boys in their class.

Encourage your child to think about a nice forthcoming event or to imagine that they are a prince/ princess living in a castle, or riding on their own horse. They may even like to imagine that they are the head teacher in their school!

It is most important that your child learns to go to sleep, without having you in the room. If you stay beside them as they fall asleep, they will inevitably wake up during the night and search for you. Kiss goodnight and then GO!

If you are used to sitting with your child until sleep comes, you can expect lots of protest and a much longer settling period than you are used to. You will need to keep on briefly returning to them to quickly reassure them. Children love things to be familiar and predictable, and when you change their normal settling routine, it will inevitably be stressful for them. Bear this in mind when they struggle to get off to sleep alone. If you are able to be resolved, loving and consistent, the process of your withdrawal will not take longer than a couple of nights.

During the night

If your child wakes in the night because he has had a nightmare:

Encourage him to repeat a simple mantra e.g. “Go away silly dream.”

Suggest that he repeats the same mental exercise that he used for getting off to sleep.

Demonstrate a calm and reassuring manner. If your child is feeling frightened and out of control, he needs to know that you are totally in control.

Try to avoid letting your child into your bed. [Unless you don’t mind it becoming a habit!]

It is important that after you have been to your child to reassure him, that when he is calm and no longer distressed, you leave him to get back to sleep alone. He needs your help to cope independently with bad dreams, and hanging around for too long may reinforce his fears.

Rarely, children develop nightmares as a form of post traumatic stress disorder, or other serious psychological condition. If your child has suffered from unusual stress [more than the birth of a sibling or starting school] and is having regular, distressing nightmares, it is advisable to seek professional help.

* Remember, your child’s unwillingness to settle at night is a sign that his imagination is developing well. It is a normal and transient stage in his growing up, and taking positive steps now to help him sleep well, will equip him with one of the most valuable of life skills!

Thanks to Dr Mary Burgess, PhD, Cognitive Behaviour Psychotherapist.